jbmetz

I open my eyes in the middle of the night to find Beare (my favorite cat of 4), settled in on my chest.  I start to fall back to sleep, but she has something on her mind.  "Are you a Christian?" she inquires bluntly.

 

"I would say 'yes', but I firmly believe that would be an insult to Christ.  It depends on how far you would bend your definition of 'Christian'.  I think we have discussed before that someone said that the 'only true Christian died on the cross'.  I think it was Nietzsche.

 

"No matter", she persisted.  "Are you a Christian?"

 

"Well, no.  I think that would be an injustice to Christ.  I use the ethics he put forth as guidelines, but I fall short of adhering to them 100% of the time.  Why do you ask?"

 

"Just curious".

 

"Hmmm.  Curiosity killed the cat & they say BBQ'd cat tastes just like chicken," I said, just to throw in a cheap barb.

 

"Well, I think that most Christians are basically good people but not quite as honest about their commitment as yourself", she replied.

 

"That's a tough call, how is it that you think that you can make that judgment."

 

"I just think there are a lot of people that claim they are Christians because they are afraid of hell", she said, almost sarcastically.

 

"Well, it would be nice if they approached the notion to enhance their love for God, rather than be motivated by their fear of hell.  However, each person has the right to cultivate a relationship with their creator that gives them the greatest peace of mind."

 

"Why do you cut them that much slack?"  She was getting irritated, I could tell.

 

"Well, the freedom of religion is the freedom to develop the kind of relationship with God that gives you the most peace of mind.  So, I think that any relationship with God will evolve as the individual progresses".

 

“They’ve started adding a fragrance to the cat litter.  Can we find something fragrance- free?”

 

“Sure.  File a complaint with the management.”

 

“I just did”.

 

"I think I'll look into BBQ recipes for roasting cats.  Times are tough."

From the September 21st issue of Sports illustrated:

 

"An animal-rescue group will donate five bags of dog food to a Washington, D.C., shelter for every time Michael Vick is tackled when the Redskins play the Eagles next month".

 

SACK 'IM!  SACK!  SACK! SACK! SACK!

So, I pulled my "keychain" out of my red fanny pack, & began to separate my car keys from the carabineer that connects all the modular little sets of keys.  I didn't notice that my cat (Beare) was carefully watching.  Normally, I notice when she wakes me in the night to pontificate a skewed view of my reality.

 

"It's no wonder you are so heavy, you haul around a fanny pack with 20 lbs of keys."

 

"Don't gimme crap.  I'm going to the store to fetch a few things & all I need is the car key."

 

"Looks like more than one 'key' to me."

 

"It has a push-button key to open the trunk & two conventional keys that I can lock the house with and another to start the car."

 

"If you wanted to take the scooter, which modular 'key chain' would you use to pollute the environment?"

 

"The one with the scooter logo.  Duh."

 

"What if you chose to ride the bicycle?"

 

"Well, this one."  I held it out for her scrutiny. 

 

"Looks like a lot of keys to 'start' a bicycle", she commented sarcastically.

 

"If you aren't going to make a point here soon, I'm off to the store, and one of the major things on the list is wet cat food.  If you give me any more crap you'll be choking on dry food for the next month".

 

"I'll go on a hunger strike to protest inhumane animal treatment and squalid living conditions."

 

"I'm just trying to speed this conversation up so I can get on with my Saturday", I pressed for the 'point' she wanted to make.

 

"I just think that you probably started out 35 years ago with a key to a motorcycle & a key to your Dad's apartment.  Nada mas.  It's gotten to the point where you can't really tell me what keys open which locks.  Those are not your possessions; they are those things that possess you.  Those keys go to the shackles that have bound you to your material possessions.  Do you think Saint Francis ever had that many keys?"

 

"Hey, I'm going to the store, you ungrateful former-death-row-inmate.  I take it you'd like the dry food just fine."

 

"Don't even go there.  I can make your life miserable during the middle of the night...and don't come home with the Savory Salmon Feast that is little more than pate gone bad.  I want the Chicken & Giblets or the Liver & Chicken Feast in Gravy.  Don't screw it up again."

 

 

 

Okay, I wake up at an "ungodly" hour of the morning to find this cat (possessed by demons) perched on my chest.

 

"Good Morning", she says cordially.

"What time is it?", is all that comes to mind.

"3 AM"

"Can't this wait?  My alarm goes off at 4.  3:30 should have been okay."

 

"My time is important.  It's more important than your sleep.  I needed to make sure we had time aplenty", she said arrogantly.

 

"Okay, what wild-hair is it this time?"

 

"I'm born again" Beare proclaimed.

 

"Convince me."

 

"Well you left the TV on & I got to witness people say the same thing and -- voila!  They became enlightened beings!

 

"Do you feel enlightened?"

 

"Well, no, I don't think so" , she confessed.

 

"Okay, if I were islolated in a room with a myna bird for a few years, I could teach it to say 'I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal Saviour.'  Do you think the bird would be enlighted?"

 

"Well, maybe not." she said tentatively.

 

"You make my point for me.  Words are easy.  Liars are a dime-a-dozen and desperate people surround us.  A radiacal change may come with an emotional moving exeperience and a scripted line given to them by a televangelist, but their deeds will ultimately decide.  You didn't use my charge card to buy one of those expensive 'dontation' Bibles did you?

 

"Uh.  No, it was the dog."

 

"I'm going back to sleep.  It's only 3:30."

 

As is common, my cat woke me up Sunday.

 

"You know, Andy Warhol said 'In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes'", she observed.

 

"Yes, it is quoted often", I acknoledged.

 

"And I'm sure you know that Gordon Moore said that the number of transistors on an integrated circuit will double every two years", she went on to say.

 

"Yes.  Moore's Law.  The exponential principle is attributed to nearly every application related to electronics -- the internet, cell phones, etc."

 

"Well", she continued, "let's say that two met at cocktail party".

 

"Can we make it a 'Beer Summit'?"

 

"No.  Warhol died in '87.  The 'Beer Summit', did not exist yet.  So, let me continue.  If Warhol had chatted with Moore, he would have realized that by the year 2012, everyone would be famous for only 15 nanoseconds."

 

"I don't trust your math.  You can either crunch the numbers again or eat dry food for a month -- choice is yours."

 

"Sorry, my efforts were thwarted because I was using a Mayan Calendar.  I tried to extrapolate beyond, but I confess that it may have been an educated "guesstimate" beyond 2012".

 

"I apprecate you honesty, I will  re-instate the canned food & retract my threat about 30 days of dry food."

 

"Sucker'.

"No matter what religion you adhere to, or which denomination you chose therein, in the eyes of someone, you are vile, heathen scum".

-- My Cat

 

Trust.  When a cat exposes it's under-belly to you and allows you to scratch it, this is trust.  However, the "damn-its-hot-can-you-turn-up-the-ceiling-fan" position looks very, VERY similar to the untrained eye.

Going back to the June 8th issue of Sports Illustrated:

 

"A bodybuilding competition in the Netherlands was canceled after all of the competitors fled when drug testers arrived."

 

Maybe bodybuilding should go the way of professional wrestling (WWE).  Don't ask; don't tell; don't test.